Cracking the Egg: Becoming a Parent

Reader Warning: This is a controversial blog. There is the subject of teen pregnancy and sex. If you are easily offended, please don't read this. If you go ahead and read it, remember to treat me the way you would want to be treated. 


Recently, I found out someone very close to me is pregnant. This girl is about 4 years younger than me, putting her at a socially unacceptable age to be pregnant. At first I was amazed, shocked, and even a little sad for her. I went on to find out that her and her family were actually excited about this news. I wanted to be really happy for her, and I really do wish her all the best, but as I got to thinking about it, I realized all of the responsibility that comes with a child. 


People can tell you over and over again that having a child will change your life: it costs a lot of money, you have to constantly take care of another human, and your world revolves around someone other than you. Personally, I am obviously not an expert on the subject, and I can't even claim any children as my own, but I think I have a little taste of insight regarding children. Coincidentally aligned with all this news, I am taking a class this semester about parenting in diverse families. The book we're reading is called The Process of Parenting by Jane Brooks. Later, when I reference "the book" it will be referring to this book. 

Anyways, I wanted to touch on a couple subjects and ideas that have come to sprout up in my head. (And for those of you that read both of my blogs, I will be posting this in both because I think that this should act as a lesson as well, thus "sticking with you" i.e. material for Gum Under the table.) I'll mostly be writing with how I view a lot of these subjects and it's going to be very controversial. I am open to opinions though, so if you have an insight please let me know. 


I'm going to start with how babies are made: sex. In this day and age, I really think we've become desensitized to sex. Maybe it's because I'm constantly surrounded by the college lifestyle and I see how these kids just sleep with each other for sport. It's all fun and games, but do we realize that there's major ramifications to having sex? You can get sexually transmitted diseases, become pregnant, and even form emotional attachments to complete assholes. It's funny though- it seems that these days STD's are the big scare. In high school the teachers focus on the disgusting things that you can catch. They use scare tactics of showing you pictures and telling you about the symptoms. I specifically remember being told about gonorrhea and how green junk would be coming out of my hoo-ha; it scared the crap out of me. I was terrified of what people could be carrying with them. Then, the abstinence guy came in and his big focus was the emotional attachments that we would form. He used a great example with two pieces of tape: 

• Imagine that you and your mate's emotional attachment is a piece of tape; when you stick both sticky parts together, they're going to stick and be very hard to get apart. 
• Now imagine that your piece of tape has stuck onto the skin of 5 other people, and your mate's piece of tape has stuck onto 5 different people. Now that piece of tape has the skin cells, dirt, and whatever else was on those 10 people's skin sticking to it. When you stick those two sticky sides together, it sticks, but it's easy to peel apart. 

After seeing that example, I was worried that I would someday never be able to attach myself to someone intimately and emotionally, thereby swearing I was going to stay a virgin until I met someone really special to me. (Unfortunately, that someone ended up not being so special.)

After my tenth grade health class, I knew that pregnancy was a possible outcome of having sex, but it didn't seem nearly as scary as the others. Pregnancy wasn't treated as being responsible for another life, but instead as a severe STD. Actually, I thought it would be a happy alternative to an actual STD. In fact, my thinking got to the point that I was in a very serious relationship after high school, and we didn't use protection. We knew we loved each other; we were living together and in what I thought to be a very committed relationship. Our thinking was that if we got pregnant, it'd be okay because we loved each other and it wasn't that scary of a thought. 

Think about that. Having another human's life directly in my hands wasn't a scary thought. How on Earth could that NOT be a scary thought? I don't care if you're married, emotionally and financially stable, and of an acceptable age; having someone's life as your responsibility should scare the shit out of you. 

I mean, look at this baby! Try not to smile! 

So, now I'll move on to the a big unanswerable question: Why do we want to have babies? Having a child shouldn't ever be an accident. Especially with today's technology; there are so many forms of birth control and a lot of them are relatively cheap. I have come to think that a pregnancy should probably be one of the first things I'm trying to prevent when having sex with someone. However, mistakes do happen and people plan for children. It's part of human nature to want to procreate. In the book it says, "we appear to be preprogrammed to respond positively to babies." Who can resist smirking when they see an adorable baby looking all cute and whatnot? So, it's just natural that some of us "adults" want to have a little copy of our DNA to raise, call our own, and make us smile. 

Then there's those that don't want children; I have a friend who has told me that he doesn't really have an interest in having kids. I laughed and I was a little shocked. I'm a person that wants a baby over anything else. Ever since I was little I wanted to be a "mommy" when I grew up. Love is important to me, and finding a husband to have that baby with would be ideal, but I also feel that there is no greater love than that between a mother and child. I told him this and explained that I wanted children someday. He asked my reasoning and I was stuck. The first reason to pop into my head was, Because they're so cute! Then I started thinking..."Really? I want a child because they're cute? What is wrong with me? How selfish is that?!" So I modified my answer: "I want to be able to watch my child grow and help it discover life." Was that much of a better answer? I don't know. Other than having the natural feeling of wanting a child, I don't know why I should have one. The first section in The Process of Parenting is called "Why Do Adults Take On the Job of Parenting?" Brooks gives a list of the common reasons given for having children:

• to love and be close to
• to feel excitement at children's growth and development of new skills
• to feel a greater sense of self-growth, of being more sensitive, more caring
• to satisfy society's expectations of being adult and responsible
• to feel a sense of creativity and accomplishment in helping children grow
• to meet moral or religious expectations
• to feel greater security in times of sickness or old age

So, these are the reasons? At least three are directly for self satisfaction. I still don't know how I feel about this. I feel like having a child should be a completely selfless act, but I know there has to be a bit of concern for yourself as well. 

When I asked my friend that doesn't have the interest in having children if he'd ever have one with his future wife, he told me that he's been told that when he finds the right person he'll want to procreate with her. Does meeting the "right" person really make you feel that way? Or are some people just programmed to not have the need to make babies? Which brings me to the down side of having babies, and what this entry is really all about...There are so many negative sides to having a baby, that I believe it takes some planning, timing, saving, and preparation before someone can be ready for a child, and even then the adventure of parenthood will still be completely unpredictable. 

In the book, Brooks mentions three of the most common reasons given for not having children:

1. Restrictions (loss of freedom, loss of time for other activities, increase in work load)
2. Negative feelings in relation to children (worries concerning their health and well-being, difficulties with discipline, fear of disappointments in children or in self as a parent)
3. Concerns about the child being poorly cared for

I think these thoughts cross each soon-to-be-pregnant or soon-to-be-parents couple, but to what extent? I brought some of these concerns up to the girl that just found out she was pregnant, and I got the reply, "I didn't even think about that..." So, I'm here to make you think about it. Maybe sometime down the road when you decide to have children, or maybe even right now this blog will stick out to you and you'll rethink decisions or even reconfirm that this is exactly what you want from your life. 

1. Restrictions: 

As soon as I found out that this girl was pregnant, I did the math... When she turned 21, she would have a 3 year old. She would be sending her 6 year old child off to school when she was 23. She'd have a high school graduate when she was 36. But, back to turning 21. When I told her that, I saw her face sink. Who wants to worry about their 3 year old child when they're out celebrating their 21st birthday? I'll leave it at that, but it's easy to see that it is very hard to enjoy life when there is someone else to whom to must answer. 

Also, the girl that's pregnant hasn't finished college, and that task will now become very hard. If she decides to continue with her school, she will have to plan her schedule around times that she can leave her baby to be watched. Then, while she's doing her homework, she will be feeding, changing, and caring for a child as well. 

The restrictions that result from having a child are easy to recognize. Obviously, you have to make time for the baby. You can't spend much time out and about because you have someone you're supposed to be taking care of. You also have to restrict your financial spending because that little bambino will be needing a lot of money as well. 

2. Negative Feelings in Relation to Children:

Under this category, the book put subjects that deal with the emotions that you would have concerning the well-being of the child. Another immediate reaction I had was thinking, what if the child is born with a disability? What will she do? How will she afford proper care for the child? My biggest concern for when I become a parent is being a good parent and giving them all I can to make their life easy, but what if I can't? I'll touch more on this in the next section, but the big negative feeling that comes up with children and me is worrying about their health. 

Another concern mentioned in the book is the conflict with discipline. Luckily for me, I have a step ahead of the game with this topic. I have taught plenty of swim lessons where I've had to discipline students and I've taken plenty of Childhood Psychology classes where the different theories of discipline are pounded into our heads. Yes- I have a step ahead of the game, but I don't know everything. To be honest, I still probably wouldn't know exactly how to handle most situations when it came to my own child. I was up talking with my mother about the girl being so young and I remember saying, "How will she be able to discipline a child when she's just a child herself?" I mean, this girl is directly responsible for how this kid is raised and moralized. That is a ton of responsibility and if she gets even the tiniest feeling of disappointment, she could feel like a failure as a parent even though she's trying her hardest. (I'm not saying she would be a failure, just that I can see how it would be easy to feel like one.)

3. Concerns About the Child Being Poorly Cared for:

Now, I'll touch on the possibility of the child being born with a disability. 

Here's a fun fact: According to CDC.gov, an average of 1 in 110 children are born with autism. Surprised? I was too. That's a pretty intense statistic. 

CDC.gov

Another Fun Fact: From the New York Times, "Direct medical and non- medical costs can add up to as much as $72,000 a year for someone with an extreme case of the disorder, and even $67,000 a year for those on the lower end of the spectrum, according to a study from the Harvard School of Public Health." 

That is a shit ton of money and it's on top of the normal baby expenses- diapers, formula, clothes, toys, etc. That's more than most families even make in a year. I think I've made my point and that's only for Autism. 

Even if the child is born perfectly healthy, they still require a lot of money. Plus, there are always going to be unexpected doctor's visits when the baby gets sick or things that you never thought you needed until you get that baby home and think D'oh! I forgot to get the ______! (socket plugs? baby gates? baby thermometer? and awkwardly enough, Pads?) All those little last minute items add up, and they add up quickly. 

It comes down to this: Will you be able to fully provide for your child? It's a scary thought and it's going to hurt if you realize, Oh shit. I'm not ready. 

However, there's no way to measure if someone is really ready to have a child. I have no right in deciding who should and shouldn't be allowed to procreate, and I definitely do not pass judgement on anyone that is pregnant. I feel that having a child takes a lot of planning, but as I mentioned before, life takes us by surprise and mistakes happen; it's the pure essence of life that makes it magical.

And now for the "Escape Mission" part of this blog. This part won't be included on Gum Under the Table because it's purely my own thinking and plan:

5. Be financially prepared for my baby:

This is another goal that I have. I know that someday I will be a mother. As of right now, I don't care if I have a husband at the time that I am ready for a baby (there's always sperm banks!), but I do care if I'll be able to provide for my baby. So, the goal here is that I will have a nice starter sum of money started up before I have a child. I want to at least have enough money to get me through my pregnancy and first year of taking care of a baby. That's the minimum. The ideal amount would be at least through the second year of my baby's life, but one can only hope. I just want to be able to not have the complete stress of a new baby mixed with added stress of not being able to be financially comfortable. 

So, any moms out there have some input? Am I way off base here? 

A Review from a Non-Pro: Larry G(ee)

This is my first EVER review of ANYTHING. So, cut me a little slack, I'll be working the kinks out through future posts. 


Close to 36 hours ago, I left a little sports bar after hearing Larry G(ee). Now, to be honest, I'm not sure if it's the band that's called Larry G(ee) or if it is only the front man of the band, but honestly, it doesn't matter. I went with a friend of mine that was photographing the band after my night had gone straight to hell. He saved the day by inviting me out with him. Let me tell you, he might just win hero of the year! 

Photograph by Clark Cabus Photography

Band Name: Larry G(ee)
You may know: Yo Mama
Genre: Blues meets Soul meets Funk
Rating: 4.5 out of 5

First, I have to say I was thoroughly impressed with how many people were there. You could tell that the band had a strong following by the different girls dancing around and singing all the words to their songs. As soon as they took the stage, people were cheering, and I could tell it was going to be a good night. Their music is a mix of blues, soul, R&B, and funk. There is just enough "hipster" element to their style, that it gives the band a feeling of being just underground enough that I feel like I finally discovered something before anyone else. This obviously wasn't true, but I felt like I had known them forever.  


As for their music, it rocks. After their first song, I turned to the guy next to me, mouth wide open, and just said, "I'm impressed." His response at that moment and throughout most of the night: "Ohhh, Larry Gee!" This band had a saxophone and trumpet in it, giving it a big-band-almost-ska (think early No Doubt) sound, but also had some kickass beats and such a smooth, soulful voice leading the music. It was easy to dance to (which is important to me) and something that you could get used to singing along with. 

The set they played was filled with originals and covers. My personal favorite was "Tell Me Something Good", a Chaka Khan cover. When the band played this, some guest singers were brought up on stage, and the harmonies they created gave such dimension to the song, that I felt like I was listening to an original. Their original song, "Yo Mama" was a close second as a favorite. You can listen to it here: 

The best part of seeing a band in person is seeing how they interact with each other. Watching this group of people coming together on stage was like watching a group of old high school buddies meeting up and starting off right where they left off. I got the feeling that there is a strong bond between these guys, and if there's not, then at least they are thankful for each other. They seemed genuinely happy that they were on stage and up there with each other. It made me want to be part of the band.....I could play the tambourine, right? 


The half of point that is missing? Their show was too short! I wanted more, and I suppose there is an actual art to cutting the fans off, leaving them wanting more, but I still felt like it was too soon. In fact, as I'm writing this, I keep saying to myself, Ohhhh, I should just go ahead and give them the half of point! But, I'm staying with my 4.5. 


I encourage those in the Dallas area to look them up, see where they're playing next, and go see them! Those stuck somewhere else? Look him up on iTunes, buy his CD. It's definitely something you're going to want in your collection.   

My nook!

At every college/ university Ive attended, I found my nook.


At Lorain County I found a perfect little spot in the library in which I could study, take a quick nap, or just sit there staring off into space. The library was quiet, airy, and relaxing.
At Kent State, there was a spot behind my apartment where I could sit to watch my dog play. While she was playing in the creek, I sat on a huge concrete block. It was the perfect spot to just relax and reflect about my life.


Now, at the university I'm attending, I found an awesome nook. As I was waiting for my class to start in the Environmental Science building (the same one I posted about yesterday), I began to walk around the bottom floor looking for a water fountain. I found the water fountain and at the end of the hall, there was a door leading outside:

It looked kind of cool, so I decided to check it out. There were statues, ponds, and little waterways. It was like a little slice of heavenly man-made nature. So, I sat down and began writing this blog before my class started...




Time went by quickly; I looked at the time and I had 6 minutes to get back to class. I got up off my bench, walked back to the door, and guess what. It was locked but, I was outside so I thought I would walk around to another entrance. Nope. The ENTIRE area was fenced in. With a TALL fence that would be near impossible to climb over. I was in a cage. I was trapped. 


I briskly walked back to the locked door and knocked frantically. Luckily, after a little while, there was a girl walking by. I knocked on the door, and she let me let back inside the building. It felt like I was stuck for 30 minutes even though it was probably only 5 minutes. I felt so awkward; I got stuck in my nook.


As the day has gone on (I've been working on this blog throughout the day), I was thinking about the symbolism behind this event:
Nook=Safe Place
Nook=Outdoors Learning Area
Outdoors Learning Area= Highly protected by being fenced in.
Highly Protected area being fenced in=Cage
Safe Place= Outdoors Learning Area
Nook= Cage. 


The one place that I found where I could relax and reflect on my life was a cage. It was a pretty cage with nice surroundings, but it was still a cage. I still plan on going back to this place (and putting a block in the door), but how could I find my freedom inside a cage? Does this mean I'm being caged in by my own thoughts?! I'm definitely thinking too much about a funny situation, but it's still kind of cool to add a little meaning to it. 

First day of Spring 2012 Classes.

Yesterday was my first day of classes for this semester. Thus far, I have visited my Children's Art class, and my Geography class.


 Children's Art is going to be like play time for me; if I don't get an A in this class, then I must be doing something seriously wrong in my life. When we walked into the classroom, there was a younger lady coming in and out of the classroom. I assumed she was just a student that was getting a drink of water, going to the bathroom, etc. Nope. She was our teacher. Well, technically, she's the teacher's assistant, but she teaches our labs. When she began talking, I couldn't help but smile at her deep southern drawl. Being a South Carolina native, she went on to explain that she doesn't even know where Houston is. As she introduced herself, her hobbies, and other tidbits about herself, I thought Man, I can see myself hanging out with her. Maybe I can make college friends after all! Just as I was thinking this to myself, she dropped the bomb: She just had a baby. It's not like this was a big deal or anything, but I just shook my head and asked myself, Why am I always attracted to people that are doing grown up things? As I stated in my last entry, I know that I'm older than I am, but it still shocks me every now and then that I can't step out of that. It's not anything that really matters, just how my life always seems to go. So the question is, where can I meet people that are older than me, but will take me seriously enough to want to hang out? It's near impossible because of that connotation about my age. 


After my lovely art class, I walked to the Environmental Science building and entered it's huge glass doors. As soon as I entered it, I was in love with this building. I am so out of place around science, but being in this building took me back to my favorite building at Lorain County Community College. I can't even remember its name, but it was a four story building that had an entire wall of glass on one side. The side of the building with the glass was so airy, light, and relaxing. Walking into the science building took me back to my hometown college in Ohio, and I just smiled, sat down, and waited for class to start. Once the classroom I was waiting for cleared out, I made my way into a lecture hall that probably fit around 200 students. I picked the last row. On the first day of classes, I like to sit in the back to scope out where I'll be sitting and who I'll be avoiding. First target of avoiding? The group of girls that screamed when they came into the hall and realized they were in each other's class. All four blonde. All four noticeably dressed up for the first day. All four toting designer brands. It was like seeing Barbie looking in the mirror, screaming and hugging it because her reflection showed up again! I missed the gene that makes me scream and get excited to see someone, but I'll be elaborating more on that later. The class ended up being okay. I dozed off a couple of times, but abruptly awoke. The teacher seems like a really cool lady; she makes a lot of pop culture jokes and references, so that will make class interesting. She ended class early because it was the first day, and I left feeling satisfied that I just may pass this course as well. 


By the way, as I was writing, I discovered this band called "Explosions in the Sky". I've been listening to them for a while, and right now I'm listening to their song Human Qualities. Here it is for you to listen to:

After my day of two classes, I came back to the house and relaxed for a bit. At seven that evening, we had our first chapter meeting of the semester. As the girls began filing into the house, there were screams and hugs, and excited little dances as they were reunited with their friends. Me? I hugged a couple close friends, but none of the giddy girl dances. This is where I'll get into my missing girl gene. I don't get excited about seeing someone I haven't seen for a month. Don't get me wrong- I do get excited for seeing some people, but that list is very small and I still don't do the giddy girl dance when I see them. Is there something wrong with me because I don't get excited? 


Once meeting was over, I came back up into my room and heard crying next door. Boy drama. Through the sobs and tears, I heard something about a boy, and just plain sadness. It made me feel horrible that some girl was crying over a boy. At first, I was perturbed and a little upset that she couldn't see that she didn't need to cry. I wanted to run over there and yell, "Don't you realize that at your age love will not last?!" or "If he's making you cry, then why give him the time of day?!" I didn't say any of these. Instead, I had my own mental breakdown. 


I laid down on my bed and began bawling. I called my mother, and asked her why I gave up on my plan to be a high school English  teacher. I asked her why I moved to Texas. I asked her why I didn't just stay in Ohio with all my close friends. I began getting texts, so I hung up with her. Then I called someone that I only talk to very rarely, but miss extraordinarily: My good friend Jacob* from Kent State University. He was in my major, and we got along like two peas in a pod. I don't know why I picked him to call, but I felt like he was the only one that would understand me. When I had given up on school in Ohio, him and I stopped talking. He knew I was letting things get in the way of my education. I told him I felt like I had let him down, and myself down when I gave up on school, and he told me I couldn't make myself feel guilty about that. I did what needed to be done, and that's the path that my life was intended to go. We talked and he caught me up on our old major's gossip and everything that was happening between them. (We had a small major, so it was like a little family and we all knew each other fairly well)


When I hung up with him I realized something: everyone has their problems. To me, boy issues have screwed me over enough that I have come to some brutal realizations that make me super cynical, but that doesn't mean that I should blame someone else for crying about her problems. I'm sure plenty of people would think I was crazy for crying over my life and giving up on school, but that doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt me. All of our problems in life hold a different realistic quality for each person. Each situation is literally situational. They way we react is not decided by what a "normal" reaction should be, but instead what we've experienced through life and what makes us tick. 


So, I'm going to let my feelings come through. I'm not going to be ashamed of how I feel because it is the only organic way for me to process my own beliefs. 


4. Don't censor my feelings. If I'm feeling a certain way, I'm not going to apologize for it. I cannot help how I feel about things. I can only help with the way I react to these things.   

The End of a New Beginning...

So, I've decided to create another new blog. I don't know what direction I will be going in yet, but instead of making it all about life's lessons (see http://sticktothetable.blogspot.com/), I'm going to just write whatever is going through my brain. Perhaps I'll share some music or videos that are on my mind or make me think? Who knows. 


As for today, I am moving into my sorority's house. The last few days have been filled with tears, and a great feeling of backslide. I feel as if I'm taking 10 steps backwards. Let me explain:


One first has to understand that I have basically been living on my own/ taking care of myself for the last two and a half years. I have had times when I couldn't pay the electric bill, so in the middle of winter, the power to our apartment was shut off. I've realized that if I call in sick for one day of work, that's a bill I can't pay. I've had to go a long time without buying groceries because we just couldn't afford them. I shared an apartment and learned how to co-habitate. After that, I moved into my own apartment. Alone. I learned to stay busy with myself. I was engaged, ready to take life by the balls and begin my life as an independent person. Then something incredible happened, I broke off the said engagement. Why did I do this? Other than knowing it wasn't right between him and me, it was a huge step in growing up. I think the moment that I broke it off, I realized, "Oh shit, I'm an adult." 


The week following the break up was a whirlwind. My mother came up to Ohio to pick me up and bring me home to Texas. So, I moved. And here I was, thrown back into high school, where I check in with someone. I no longer have the freedom to just disappear for a night or couple of days. I can't just go driving or to the store without being questioned. My life took a backslide into the maturity of a high school student. I knew this wasn't right, but it was better than being engaged to someone I knew I wouldn't be happy with. Plus, my fridge is now always full! 


A month after I made it to Texas, I started school up again. I decided, this time around, I'm going to enjoy my college experience, I'm going to do all the normal college things and have fun. So, I joined a sorority. I went out partying with friends. I made plans for spring break (which will now be broken). But all along, I was looking around at the people I was surrounded by and questioning why I was here? Shouldn't I be graduating this year? Shouldn't I have my own grown up apartment? Or should I be enjoying this life of a primary social life and secondary school life? Should I be wanting to decorate my tiny shared room? As I began asking myself all these questions, I realized that I'm stuck in a limbo.


I have always hung out with a crowd that was older than me. I went to college full time when I was 16 and graduated high school with my Associate's. For those two years, my friends were college students that could not believe I was only 16. I've always dated older men, and enjoyed the company of people that were older than me.When I was 18, I was dating a 24 year old and hanging out with his friends that were in their late 20s and early 30s. I was getting into bars with them, and doing things that an 18 year old wouldn't typically do. The people around me were getting engaged, married, having children, and living their adult lives. Surrounded by this, made me want different things. I realized that people my age just didn't know what life was about. In my own mind, I see myself as being 26, even though I'm a mere 21. I've even been known to say, "Age means nothing" because for me, when someone asks how old I am, I don't even want to tell them. I have to say, "Oh, I'm 21, but..." and follow it with an explanation for why I shouldn't be 21. There is a connotation to someone being my age. Yes, I love to go out to bars legally and not having to go somewhere that doesn't card. But, I've been going to bars for years. It isn't anything new to me. And yes, I'm in a sorority and going to school. But, I value my school and education because I know what it takes to make it in this world. I'm enjoying my life, but not as a 21 year old. I'm enjoying my life as a 26 year old that is just getting business done so I can make a living. 


So, today as I prepare to move myself into my sorority's house, I'm depressed. I'm not supposed to be doing this. Don't get me wrong, I love my sisters, I love my letters, and I love what my sorority stands for. I will forever be a part of it, but emotionally, I'm too old to be doing this. I'm going to let my room mate enjoy her young self and decorate our room, and really get into her lifestyle. I will let my friends play the dating game and I'll listen to all their stories. But me? I've finally decided. I've been working for something permanent, and I'm not going to throw that work away. I may only be 21, but my soul is older, my wants are parallel with those that are older, and I'm ready for my life after college. (I just need to graduate first!)


I'm going to write my goals so I can look back at them and remind myself what I'm looking for:
1. Graduate School. My most important goal because it's what's going to make my life a little more fun to live.
2. Keep my focus on my future. I want to be successful and I need to plan for this. This goes along with focusing on my school, my work, and my health. 
3. Find that someone. I don't want useless flings. I want something solid. This sounds stupid, and like every other hopeless romantic, but I don't want someone that can just make me feel good, and be like a prince charming, but instead I want substance. I want someone that I can spend my life with regardless of the obstacles that we have to face. Life isn't going to be a bowl of cherries because I find love, but instead I'll have someone by my side and to hold my hand when I need that extra support.  Disclaimer: If you're someone in my life that I'm dating, end it now if this isn't want you want, because quite frankly, you probably aren't what I'm looking for. 

As for my new beginning in Texas, it's the end of it. I've made my beginning. I'm closing the chapter of my transition phase. I will forever be transitioning, but now I know what I'm doing in Texas.