Children's Art is going to be like play time for me; if I don't get an A in this class, then I must be doing something seriously wrong in my life. When we walked into the classroom, there was a younger lady coming in and out of the classroom. I assumed she was just a student that was getting a drink of water, going to the bathroom, etc. Nope. She was our teacher. Well, technically, she's the teacher's assistant, but she teaches our labs. When she began talking, I couldn't help but smile at her deep southern drawl. Being a South Carolina native, she went on to explain that she doesn't even know where Houston is. As she introduced herself, her hobbies, and other tidbits about herself, I thought Man, I can see myself hanging out with her. Maybe I can make college friends after all! Just as I was thinking this to myself, she dropped the bomb: She just had a baby. It's not like this was a big deal or anything, but I just shook my head and asked myself, Why am I always attracted to people that are doing grown up things? As I stated in my last entry, I know that I'm older than I am, but it still shocks me every now and then that I can't step out of that. It's not anything that really matters, just how my life always seems to go. So the question is, where can I meet people that are older than me, but will take me seriously enough to want to hang out? It's near impossible because of that connotation about my age.
After my lovely art class, I walked to the Environmental Science building and entered it's huge glass doors. As soon as I entered it, I was in love with this building. I am so out of place around science, but being in this building took me back to my favorite building at Lorain County Community College. I can't even remember its name, but it was a four story building that had an entire wall of glass on one side. The side of the building with the glass was so airy, light, and relaxing. Walking into the science building took me back to my hometown college in Ohio, and I just smiled, sat down, and waited for class to start. Once the classroom I was waiting for cleared out, I made my way into a lecture hall that probably fit around 200 students. I picked the last row. On the first day of classes, I like to sit in the back to scope out where I'll be sitting and who I'll be avoiding. First target of avoiding? The group of girls that screamed when they came into the hall and realized they were in each other's class. All four blonde. All four noticeably dressed up for the first day. All four toting designer brands. It was like seeing Barbie looking in the mirror, screaming and hugging it because her reflection showed up again! I missed the gene that makes me scream and get excited to see someone, but I'll be elaborating more on that later. The class ended up being okay. I dozed off a couple of times, but abruptly awoke. The teacher seems like a really cool lady; she makes a lot of pop culture jokes and references, so that will make class interesting. She ended class early because it was the first day, and I left feeling satisfied that I just may pass this course as well.
By the way, as I was writing, I discovered this band called "Explosions in the Sky". I've been listening to them for a while, and right now I'm listening to their song Human Qualities. Here it is for you to listen to:
After my day of two classes, I came back to the house and relaxed for a bit. At seven that evening, we had our first chapter meeting of the semester. As the girls began filing into the house, there were screams and hugs, and excited little dances as they were reunited with their friends. Me? I hugged a couple close friends, but none of the giddy girl dances. This is where I'll get into my missing girl gene. I don't get excited about seeing someone I haven't seen for a month. Don't get me wrong- I do get excited for seeing some people, but that list is very small and I still don't do the giddy girl dance when I see them. Is there something wrong with me because I don't get excited?
Once meeting was over, I came back up into my room and heard crying next door. Boy drama. Through the sobs and tears, I heard something about a boy, and just plain sadness. It made me feel horrible that some girl was crying over a boy. At first, I was perturbed and a little upset that she couldn't see that she didn't need to cry. I wanted to run over there and yell, "Don't you realize that at your age love will not last?!" or "If he's making you cry, then why give him the time of day?!" I didn't say any of these. Instead, I had my own mental breakdown.
I laid down on my bed and began bawling. I called my mother, and asked her why I gave up on my plan to be a high school English teacher. I asked her why I moved to Texas. I asked her why I didn't just stay in Ohio with all my close friends. I began getting texts, so I hung up with her. Then I called someone that I only talk to very rarely, but miss extraordinarily: My good friend Jacob* from Kent State University. He was in my major, and we got along like two peas in a pod. I don't know why I picked him to call, but I felt like he was the only one that would understand me. When I had given up on school in Ohio, him and I stopped talking. He knew I was letting things get in the way of my education. I told him I felt like I had let him down, and myself down when I gave up on school, and he told me I couldn't make myself feel guilty about that. I did what needed to be done, and that's the path that my life was intended to go. We talked and he caught me up on our old major's gossip and everything that was happening between them. (We had a small major, so it was like a little family and we all knew each other fairly well)
When I hung up with him I realized something: everyone has their problems. To me, boy issues have screwed me over enough that I have come to some brutal realizations that make me super cynical, but that doesn't mean that I should blame someone else for crying about her problems. I'm sure plenty of people would think I was crazy for crying over my life and giving up on school, but that doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt me. All of our problems in life hold a different realistic quality for each person. Each situation is literally situational. They way we react is not decided by what a "normal" reaction should be, but instead what we've experienced through life and what makes us tick.
So, I'm going to let my feelings come through. I'm not going to be ashamed of how I feel because it is the only organic way for me to process my own beliefs.
4. Don't censor my feelings. If I'm feeling a certain way, I'm not going to apologize for it. I cannot help how I feel about things. I can only help with the way I react to these things.
#4. Good for you! And having a little compassion for the others is good too.
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