The End of a New Beginning...

So, I've decided to create another new blog. I don't know what direction I will be going in yet, but instead of making it all about life's lessons (see http://sticktothetable.blogspot.com/), I'm going to just write whatever is going through my brain. Perhaps I'll share some music or videos that are on my mind or make me think? Who knows. 


As for today, I am moving into my sorority's house. The last few days have been filled with tears, and a great feeling of backslide. I feel as if I'm taking 10 steps backwards. Let me explain:


One first has to understand that I have basically been living on my own/ taking care of myself for the last two and a half years. I have had times when I couldn't pay the electric bill, so in the middle of winter, the power to our apartment was shut off. I've realized that if I call in sick for one day of work, that's a bill I can't pay. I've had to go a long time without buying groceries because we just couldn't afford them. I shared an apartment and learned how to co-habitate. After that, I moved into my own apartment. Alone. I learned to stay busy with myself. I was engaged, ready to take life by the balls and begin my life as an independent person. Then something incredible happened, I broke off the said engagement. Why did I do this? Other than knowing it wasn't right between him and me, it was a huge step in growing up. I think the moment that I broke it off, I realized, "Oh shit, I'm an adult." 


The week following the break up was a whirlwind. My mother came up to Ohio to pick me up and bring me home to Texas. So, I moved. And here I was, thrown back into high school, where I check in with someone. I no longer have the freedom to just disappear for a night or couple of days. I can't just go driving or to the store without being questioned. My life took a backslide into the maturity of a high school student. I knew this wasn't right, but it was better than being engaged to someone I knew I wouldn't be happy with. Plus, my fridge is now always full! 


A month after I made it to Texas, I started school up again. I decided, this time around, I'm going to enjoy my college experience, I'm going to do all the normal college things and have fun. So, I joined a sorority. I went out partying with friends. I made plans for spring break (which will now be broken). But all along, I was looking around at the people I was surrounded by and questioning why I was here? Shouldn't I be graduating this year? Shouldn't I have my own grown up apartment? Or should I be enjoying this life of a primary social life and secondary school life? Should I be wanting to decorate my tiny shared room? As I began asking myself all these questions, I realized that I'm stuck in a limbo.


I have always hung out with a crowd that was older than me. I went to college full time when I was 16 and graduated high school with my Associate's. For those two years, my friends were college students that could not believe I was only 16. I've always dated older men, and enjoyed the company of people that were older than me.When I was 18, I was dating a 24 year old and hanging out with his friends that were in their late 20s and early 30s. I was getting into bars with them, and doing things that an 18 year old wouldn't typically do. The people around me were getting engaged, married, having children, and living their adult lives. Surrounded by this, made me want different things. I realized that people my age just didn't know what life was about. In my own mind, I see myself as being 26, even though I'm a mere 21. I've even been known to say, "Age means nothing" because for me, when someone asks how old I am, I don't even want to tell them. I have to say, "Oh, I'm 21, but..." and follow it with an explanation for why I shouldn't be 21. There is a connotation to someone being my age. Yes, I love to go out to bars legally and not having to go somewhere that doesn't card. But, I've been going to bars for years. It isn't anything new to me. And yes, I'm in a sorority and going to school. But, I value my school and education because I know what it takes to make it in this world. I'm enjoying my life, but not as a 21 year old. I'm enjoying my life as a 26 year old that is just getting business done so I can make a living. 


So, today as I prepare to move myself into my sorority's house, I'm depressed. I'm not supposed to be doing this. Don't get me wrong, I love my sisters, I love my letters, and I love what my sorority stands for. I will forever be a part of it, but emotionally, I'm too old to be doing this. I'm going to let my room mate enjoy her young self and decorate our room, and really get into her lifestyle. I will let my friends play the dating game and I'll listen to all their stories. But me? I've finally decided. I've been working for something permanent, and I'm not going to throw that work away. I may only be 21, but my soul is older, my wants are parallel with those that are older, and I'm ready for my life after college. (I just need to graduate first!)


I'm going to write my goals so I can look back at them and remind myself what I'm looking for:
1. Graduate School. My most important goal because it's what's going to make my life a little more fun to live.
2. Keep my focus on my future. I want to be successful and I need to plan for this. This goes along with focusing on my school, my work, and my health. 
3. Find that someone. I don't want useless flings. I want something solid. This sounds stupid, and like every other hopeless romantic, but I don't want someone that can just make me feel good, and be like a prince charming, but instead I want substance. I want someone that I can spend my life with regardless of the obstacles that we have to face. Life isn't going to be a bowl of cherries because I find love, but instead I'll have someone by my side and to hold my hand when I need that extra support.  Disclaimer: If you're someone in my life that I'm dating, end it now if this isn't want you want, because quite frankly, you probably aren't what I'm looking for. 

As for my new beginning in Texas, it's the end of it. I've made my beginning. I'm closing the chapter of my transition phase. I will forever be transitioning, but now I know what I'm doing in Texas.